Over a decade ago, I wasn’t much different than I am today other than one major defect in my character or a lack thereof, humility. I always had a lot of love for my family and friends and did all I could do to be the good friend, son, significant other, business partner, boss and so on, but because of the way I felt about myself I took refuge in a false front and shrouded my true feelings about myself in a haze of booze and drugs. Most that knew me on a personal level looked to me as someone they could trust and turn to for support when needed. They also saw me as someone that took life head on without fear and knew that I would never fail or at least I would never give up.

Slowly I was letting my successes in life and the stress that came along with it, change me. I started to feel lonliness and developed a fear of abandonment. Were all these people in my life, and there were many, just around me for what I could do for them? Even, my own family? Was I going to lose everything that I worked my ass off for? The frequent partying, casual dating and fast paced lifestyle was slowly turning into alcohol and drug abuse which led to paranoia and mistrust of all of those who were around me. At this point all I cared about was how much money I could make and how much more I could destroy myself in the process. Every day I was popping pills to make it through my days, and most nights I was drinking and drugging to the extreme. People started to drift away from me, and I thought they were just assholes all along. No, I had turned into the asshole and my aggressive lifestyle had turned into aggression against everyone in the form of verbal abuse, and some physical. I had officially turned to the dark side. I hated myself, and soon there was nothing left in me, to even think of another. By the summer of 2005 my company had been sold for over a year and I was pursuing new business ventures with old business associates. However, not a day would go by that I wasn’t popping Vicodin like tic tacs all day long and taking one of my race bikes for a 100 mph-plus ride along the coast or up one of the local mountain ranges hoping I would fuck up and bring this shit to an end. The rush, and highs from the vicodin and coke were brought down by drowning myself in booze to get to sleep at night. This repeated day in, and day out until one day I was forced to face my internal pain head on. At that moment and for the first time in my life I experienced true fear....